I don’t know if this is just a temporary spiritual high, and I know there’s a reality check on the way (curse those reality checks!) but I hope that the Lord has changed me permanently today at least in some good and pleasing way.
I’ve been disillusioned before, but oh goodness, I don’t think I’ve ever been disillusioned like I’ve been disillusioned today. This flat earth thing (seriously, Google it!), Illuminati controlling our entertainment, food poisoned… is it any wonder that I feel like everything that I’ve ever believed is a lie! And I was so pissed, and disgusted, and tired of everything. Now I know what Jesus meant when He said that we could not love the world. That we could not serve money and God. This is it! And now, for maybe one of the first times in my life, I feel like I do hate the world, and I’m sickened, not at people, but at the horrible things that Satan has done through us. I mean, yes, that is a spiritual statement, but come on, Satan worship is a real thing, people admit to it!
But even with all that rage, I still felt peace in my heart and spirit like never before. Oh, I know that I’m not an angel now and I know I’m still human and I’ll screw up again tomorrow, but I saw something! The Lord, the Lord is all that is good! The Lord is the only thing I need! That’s what we’ve forgotten, that’s why we’re engaged in all this crap. I thought I had surrendered before, but did I really? And I’m so happy! For a moment, it was like all my depression and anxiety was gone. I feel like it’s all led up to this. Why live in regret, when I can see now what’s going on and what the Lord wants from me? Oh, I’ll doubt again, but I don’t think I can completely unsee what I have already seen.
I looked around, and realized I didn’t need any of this. The rock, the clothes, the “food”… And even my precious childhood memories, even those “good” things I hold onto, that I liked in my innocence… even that I count as loss now. My Lord, what was in those chicken nuggets I ate when I was a kid? And what’s in anything? No wonder people are so sad! Just look at the food we’ve been eating. And the water! Thank God people are starting to wake up.
I guess it’s good I sort of “hit the bottom” again. Where is rock bottom in my pathetic existence? I’m tired of being a puppet, tired of being weak and cowardly and submissive, I want to actually love and live and not just follow rules and try to eek out a miserable livelihood. I want a positive, not a negative, existence!
I afraid that I will lapse right back into my old ways, but I don’t care. The time is now. Right now, this is all we have.
I was always so proud to be an intellectual sort of person, a cynic, a creative, free spirit. But what good is all that without God? What good are the tunes we churn out if they don’t harmonize with His great symphony! And I wanted to be a lawyer, maybe for some good reasons, but I think a large part of it was just my natural inclination and desire to have a decent job. And some ego stuff too! But now! I still want to be a writer… and I want to do a lot of the same things, but the emphasis is just much stronger! I always wanted to write about God, but now I want to do it so passionately, so unambiguously! And my character will still struggle and be tempted by a great many things, but the emphasis has changed. Yes, I have an agenda, everyone has an agenda. I don’t believe in art for art’s sake.
And I still want to be a lawyer, but if the Lord has other plans, that’s fine, I don’t care. But right now, I want to do something about all these sick, awful things that are happening. I know it’s idealistic, I know in some sense you can’t beat the system… but I’ve got to try something, whatever it is, if I get the chance.
And everything is so different now, my whole life is different. Who was I before? I think I know who I am now. I’m ______. And God created me. And I exist on this earth. Not for myself, and don’t let me forget it.
This is IT! This is what I’ve been waiting for my whole life! Can it be so glorious and bittersweet just to be alive? Is this what it’s like, to, for one moment, not be plagued with anxiety and guilt? It’s hard for me to say that all the struggle was worth it, but maybe it is.
I love Jesus! I don’t care who hears it, I’ll keep on saying it. I’ll try to say it always. Lord, I hope I can say it in the light of day, say it with my actions, and not just online where it’s safe. He is the One thing that is true, in a world of syrupy, saccharine deception and evil! And it was so hard for me to see it. I didn’t want to get caught up in asceticism and miss the point, but here, here is the grand Point! All is in His hands. I ask for forgiveness for everything, and I know that He actually will forgive me. He already has. He’s been waiting this whole time. I was so frustrated with myself, seeking and seeking and not finding, always doubting, always afraid, temporary solutions, racked by guilt, anxious, not knowing why… I thought it was physiological. I tried yoga, I tried lost of things. But the Lord is the one true cure. I know I’m emotional now, but it’s true. I’ve always known, but it was hard to believe, hard to accept, hard to let go of my soul. And now, now I just want to be with Him forever.